Mini Reviews: Deplorable Bollywood Stinkers of 2016 – Part I (Fitoor/Sanam Re/Teraa Surroor/Mastizaade)

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Bollywood films you need to stay far away from this year.

 

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Fitoor – 1.3/5 stars

Abhishek Kapoor clearly has “grand ambitions” with his “Great Expectations” (pun intended). In adapting Charles Dickens’ seminal literary classic to the Indian screen, he mostly gets the milieu right but everything else is a hot mess, with a cold setting. The script meanders, takes far too long to come to the point, and the subplots take away from the main love story, which doesn’t have much love or passion in it to begin with. And, as if taking a cue from Abhishek Kapoor’s lackluster direction and the sluggishness of the screenplay, Aditya Roy Kapur and Katrina Kaif, too, do their best to not infuse any romance or passion to their chemistry (or rather the lack of it), which quickly fizzles when it really needed to sizzle. A lot of the tonal inconsistencies arise from the loose adaptation of the great material. Maybe, just maybe, Abhishek Kapoor should stick to adapting Chetan Bhagat’s books for the big screen. How else does one explain a Director going from two great films like “Rock On” and “Kai Po Che” to this tripe? Now, “Fitoor” does score some points for its breathtaking cinematography, opulent sets, and lavish costumes. Sadly, the editing lags and lacks any slickness, with the film going on for far too long. In the end, “Fitoor” doesn’t spare Kashmir, Delhi, London, or even Pakistan (which somehow finds its way into this tale), and certainly not the audience.

 

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Sanam Re – 1.6/5 stars

The only good things that can be said about “Sanam Re” are that the makers have done a fine job of selecting locations and the cinematography appeals to your senses. Besides those factors, the film has absolutely nothing else to appeal to your senses. The music is quite forgettable, the direction is amateurish, the writing pathetic, and the performances are no great shakes either. At least Director Divya Khosla Kumar’s debut film, “Yaariyan”, moved along at a decent click even if it was way too clichéd. Here, the pace is so sluggish that you’d might have to pinch yourself to stay awake not even an hour into the movie. Divya Khosla needs to brush up her directing skills quick because her directorial is starting to look more like a holiday package for the entire production team. If you thought that “Sanam Re” is a love story, then it isn’t one any sane person would want to experience in their lifetime. This isn’t a love story to be watched on Valentine’s Day or any other day for that matter.

 

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Teraa Surroor – 1.7/5 stars

For all its intent to be a slick thriller, “Teraa Surroor” is desperately short on novelty and entertainment. It’s merely another yarn of a hero on a rescue mission, in which all the goons he fights in an exotic foreign locale are Indian and it is blatantly obvious that all the action sequences are shot in India, with no attempt made to even disguise it. True to his reputation, Himesh Reshammiya — the only valid reason for “Teraa Surroor’s” existence – does not show any expression; not even one, not even a quarter. Naseeruddin Shah, Shernaz Patel, and Shekhar Kapoor somehow find their way into this tripe, and do whatever they can for it. But, obviously, that’s not enough. The movie is often unintentionally funny, and not something you’d want to waste your precious time on. Now, on paper, the film did look like a neat thriller. However, the execution is marred with umpteen songs, romantic flashbacks, and infinite slow-mo sequences that eventually kill the pace and continuity. Neither suspenseful in its twists and turns, nor breezy in its proceedings, the film seems to exist for no other purpose than to act as a showcase for Himes Bhai and his minimal talent. It’s not the worst Himesh film, but that isn’t saying much considering how low he’s already set the bar.

 

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Mastizaade – 1.8/5 stars

In an attempt to make a sex-comedy, “Mastizaade” goes extremely overboard and ends up becoming directionless. The film is nothing but an onscreen amalgamation of Wassap jokes, clichéd one-liners, and viral videos. There are scenes here that could give you nightmares – like seeing the septuagenarian Asrani almost bare-clad under a waterfall, or Suresh Menon’s gay caricature that has been done to death and isn’t funny anymore. “Mastizaade” is as pointless as a punctured condom and as ghastly as a bad boob-job. It’s made by a bunch of sweaty sleazeballs intent on exploiting Sunny Leone’s star power and her tasteful sex appeal in an attempt to straight up rob you of your cash. What the filmmakers do is shamelessly and pathetically prey on a certain repressed section of the audience, by serving up an unforgivably brain-dead offering designed to appeal to their most primordial instincts. A sex-comedy is meant to be silly, titillating fun, not unabashedly crass and unapologetically stupid.

Images Courtesy: UTV Motion Pictures, T-Series Films, HR Musik Limited, PNC Productions

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